Awesome 30

I have been 30 for a while.. I'm half way to 31. This is why I have friends who are still younger than me. It gives us a second (and third) year of parties that makes us feel like we are still 30..

All jokes aside, I am loving 30 so far. I should add that I have never had age hang ups. But while I loved my twenties, looking back I can see that I do (and will) love my thirties even more. Plus I have dealt with more than my share of bad luck from late twenties to 30. So all that is behind me..

This long weekend we had a great, awesome, relaxed and fun 30th of one of my top 2 friends on this planet (and beyond).

I hardly took any photos. So I'll do this post with the four I deem publishable.

Checking out the new car and gadgets while the girls sign cards..

The birthday cake that had more than 30 candles on! (Possibly a 100!)

Awesome speech by the birthday girl. We cheered and cried and cheered.

 

Awesome venue with a view. And puppies.

 

Making bad decisions for the right reasons..

I read this quote in the title somewhere this morning.. And I am more certain with every passing day that I just might be on my way to do the same.

I am in a bit of a low point in my (so far) wonderful life. And now I stand at the age of 30, on my way to the rest of my life (I almost added the best of my life)..

It is easy to write while the coin is still in the air. Just to convince myself I think.

What I know.

Love and Money:

I have been lucky so far in life with my family, friends and sometimes in work. I can not look back and really regret any decision I have made. I can look back and wish I didn't marry the person I did. I was young and it felt right at the time. Hindsight is easy, but I can not regret it as it gave me my three wonderful daughters.
In work, I can also only claim hindsight. If it was possible to have known in 2006/07 that just after I resigned my full time work to be at home for a while with the kids that I was being lied to, then maybe I would have kept my job. I am sure if I decided to stay the oppurtunities I have had the last two years in project management would probably not have happened.. I can only wish for something to work out now again in 2013. And I know it will. Waiting is just not always easy on the heart.

I have had a typical "in law" relationship with my (ex) in-laws*. The relationship was not made easier by the fact that their son who I dated and later married (and was seperated from since 2009/10 and was busy divorcing before he died) never really had the best relationship with them. It is hard, and I have to constantly smile and grind my teeth. I resort to one worded answers. I wish I can be that person that can just fake it. But since I turned 30 I realize more and more how blessed I am. My (side of the) family is easy and we are close. I have the greatest group of friends who have all known me for years (some since primary school so almost 24 years). The "ex" family have known me since 2001 and I can honestly say that they don't know me better than the day we met. And it is sad because they will be in my life forever since they are the grandparents of my kids. A border they sometimes forget but that will be a post for another day..

After this long intro.. I come to my bad decision.

The life policy on the dad of my kids is theirs. The money is in their account. And while I struggle to pay bills and make ends meet (and start our own life again), they now hold our future in their hands.

This weekend they explained their plans in detail (some of this I don't trust, as it sounds wrong even with my limited legal and finance knowledge). They explained how they can not move more than a small amount once a year and to benefit everyone they don't want to invest and move it.
Honestly. It is not about the money for me. They can keep however much they believe they need or want. But my situation I am in right now mean that I do (as much as I hate it) need a hand up. Just that moment to breathe and start again. But I want it on my terms. And there in lies the problem. They want it on their terms. I want my own life and to get the life me & my 3 had before back. And they can't wait to tell me how they hated the townhouse (that I loved) that I stayed in before. A steep entry into the estate is apparently enough to make them hate the estate.

Their offer. A trust in their whole family's name (their side plus my kids as one of many beneficaries if something should happen to them). That is fine. Their offer. A house that the trust keeps where we can stay in for how ever long. Seems fair. I bet everyone will be yelling take it. My problem. I want the life I was building for us back. I want to do it my way as I am capable and have done it. I see what being in debted to them did to our relationship and their son. I don't want that ever. I can make the best life for us. Even if it means slowly.

I am just recovering from all debt being paid off (by me). Moving. And losing my own car in a crash. It just feels like if I say yes, they are going to want more and more input into our lives. And as a adult and a mom who have never once done something to make someone not believe me, I am not sure that I want this life they offer. I am perfectly content to rent again for a while until my life settles. It gives me security in a strange way. I pay for it myself. I want to live in a estate where I feel safe.

My own plans involve moving back into a townhouse similar to the one I had the last few years. The trust can help with their school fees as I lost the contribution their dad made. I want to finish my degree and start a new course to extend my skills. This will help me get a better job. A stable job for long term security. I want my own car again. My Mazda that was written off last year was never replaced (and I was not even told what happened). I am lucky enough to have a loan car.

It sounds selfish. It sounds like a bad decision. My dad will probably thump me over the head. But I need a authentic life I can be proud of. That means just an oppurtunity. I will be working. I want to be the one to stand on my own two feet and work my way back. Will I need help. YES. But I know I can rock this life.

I'll give it a few hours. Do some research. Sleep on it. And think about it again. Don't worry.. I won't type long posts about it again ;) Sometimes writing something helps.

Especially since I can read it back later.

I don't want to make a decision on a bad day and then regret it.

But this is day .. and I still feel sure.

A question I stumble on..

This title may mislead you to believe that I only stumble over one question. Trust me. I am a stumbler. But for this post I want to touch on one stumble block, which can probably explain a lot about my current career junction.

I received a invite from one of my best friends from high school. Her husband is turning 30 and the theme is to dress up like what you wanted to be when in school. Easy. Or not.

I wish I was one of those people who can think back and have this definite answer. When I was in matric I was involved in a lot of things (sports, groups, concerts, camps etc etc) but I never had a definite answer. There were times when I had one of the tried and tested answers ready for when the question came up.."Doctor", "Accountant", "Marketing", "Marine Biologist" etc etc. Later it became more of a definitive with people (that is still true). This was one of the reasons I decided on a gap year in Ireland and was all set to go when the University bug bit me. Everyone was preparing to go off. And I've always wanted that for myself too. Two years later, and two course changes I dropped out and started working.

The work I did became the job I love today (well last week as my project ended on Friday). In various forms I have been doing work in the same industry for the last 10 years. Admin, Grants Officer, Assistant Accountant, Facilitator and last two years on Projects as a coordinator.

But all this still leaves me with a wardrobe crises.

My kids at least have it figured out. And I'm kind of with Kristi on this one. That is the one thing I always knew. I wanted to be mom, and a young mom. But that doesn't make for a exciting wardrobe!

Looking back and moving forward. The checklist.

Review time. A while ago, I made an attempt to “be the best 30 year old” I can be. So now I am 3 months in on my journey. I had a list of things I wanted to do and be. Some need revision. Some need a tick. Some I will ignore today.

Tomorrow.

I'll blog tomorrow. That's what she said.

Busy week + too many new books. That and life.

Summary blog - my week in 30 seconds: Busy, great week. Turned 30. Fun. Friends. Holiday. Workshops with kids. Great food. Music. Dancing. Laughing. Running. Work. Good news. Hope. Chances. Not blogging. Cold. Red wine. White wine. Angry. Work. Wishes. Lights. Sun. Walk. Shoes. Grass. Lanterns. Friday. Weekend. Better. Happy.

Any questions? No. Yes. Maybe? I'll be right back..

My how time flies..

I swear I blogged last night. That was what I thought. Or at least this weekend. Looking at my own blog.. I realize that I am sadly mistaken. Forgive me..me. For it's been a while.

I have much to say. Just not much time before I am too tired to think.

The rest of my blog posting was just deleted by me after reading it again after a 5 minute break! Yeah. That made zero sense.

I'll try again in the morrow.

Yes, I just used a Shakespearen word. That is how I feel about turning 30. Thinking it should be my theme.

Part 2: Action plan and stuff

I'm not to keen on cliff-hangers, so without further ado, Part 2 of the just published Part 1.

So to kick start my plan to make this the start of the rest of my life, I figured why be original. I'm doing a list of  "Things to do before I am 30". Some I want to do before my birthday, some before the end of 2012, and most as soon as possible. I might add some later, as with most of my best ideas and witty comebacks, it doesn't always come on demand.

1. Find a great job, or a good job at a great company and work myself up.
2. Find a new house.
3. Take my 3 to the beach for a holiday.
4. Take a roadtrip for a fun weekend away.
5. Go to Cape Town for the weekend away. This one I want to do alone or with a friend or two.
6. I have roughly 4 months before it is my birthday (Who am I kidding, I counted: 110 days). Before then (and number 5) I want to lose that pesky 10kg's again. I managed that last year but some came back. I want to lose that AND some more and feel good again.
7. I entered a triple challenge. I do 5km and 10km road races even in my unfit state. But I want to do more. First race was a 10km in February. So next up: a 15km the day before my birthday. I've never ran more than 12 odd kilometres at a time. Walk yes, ride yes.
8. Do my first half marathon on the 10th of November. Already entered. Already nervous!
9. Finalize my divorce. I just want happiness for us both and above all the three. I'll admit that I'll be glad when this is behind me. I'm hoping civilsised from his side.
10. Go on at least two blind dates. Or just dates. Doesn't have to lead anywhere, just want to get back on that horse.
11. Kiss someone in the rain. Or sunshine. Even at night. I'm not above admitting I miss making out with someone special. I'll settle for a sprinkler as well. (#10 and #11 will obviously happen after #9. Don't give me that look dad).
12. Paint a wall red. It's just one of those things.
13. Finish a art project. I'm forever doing art with my kids (for my kids). I want to do something like a painting (abstract, I'm no Picasso). And I want to repaint some of my wood furniture.
14. Sing karaoke.
15. Have a spa day with my best friends.
16. Do something for a charity.
17. Go to one of the music festivals that always look like such fun (not Oppikoppi).
18. Put up a bookshelve on my own. I'll probably have to put up 20 for all my books.
19. Make good on a few promises I made my kids. First that comes to mind is painting their rooms again. One yellow/red and orange room, one pink and purple. Their first rooms were all painted, but the last house I only bought new duvets etc. Rooms remained beige. They deserve bright rooms. Fit for a princess.
20. Actually garden and keep some plants alive.

Twenty for now seems like a good end. I can never read those lists that has three digits in.

I guess I should get back to that number 1.

Note to self: Remember to buy a lotto ticket tomorrow.

Part 1: Twenty something for now.

I'm not a number person, not in age or simple maths. So I don't really care much about turning 30 this year. But allow me to point out somethings anyway, to explain why I feel like I need to do something significant this year. And because the sum of my life includes three little people, the pressure is on. I want to have a Steve Jobs moment on my deathbed. I also want to say "wow" looking back at all parts of my life.

I've mentioned before about the timeline of my life being a bit messed up right now. And that is putting it mildly. Without using the nicer terms like I usually do, I can guess I can be classified as homeless, jobless and single with baggage (don't you just hate that term). But I prefer my mixed up timeline or pages missing analogy. So I dated a frog, then married said frog and basically the moment we said I do, he fell off a roof (really) and things went south from there. We had three princesses in a blink of an eye, but things between us was over and I was basically alone from day 1. Even with all that life was good. 2012 was the hiccup. My contract ended (leaving me jobless and hunting for now), my rent went up and townhouse sold (which left me homeless and living with the parentals) and I am currently finalising my divorce (finally after 3 single years, I want to be officially single).

So this is part 1 of my "Turning 30" blogpost. Putting it in writing and out in the world feels more official. It's like having a gym or a running buddy.

So all my happiness and laughing in the face of life aside, it does really suck that all this just had to happen in the year that I turn 30. Mayan predictions aside, I'm ready for the best part of my life to start. And I'll be dammed if I do not do my best to ensure that I do.

Why do I feel like I'll need a cape for this? ;)