Every hard day or tough choice..

 

I sometimes ask myself this...

 

Then I remember.

Easy.

 

Making bad decisions for the right reasons..

I read this quote in the title somewhere this morning.. And I am more certain with every passing day that I just might be on my way to do the same.

I am in a bit of a low point in my (so far) wonderful life. And now I stand at the age of 30, on my way to the rest of my life (I almost added the best of my life)..

It is easy to write while the coin is still in the air. Just to convince myself I think.

What I know.

Love and Money:

I have been lucky so far in life with my family, friends and sometimes in work. I can not look back and really regret any decision I have made. I can look back and wish I didn't marry the person I did. I was young and it felt right at the time. Hindsight is easy, but I can not regret it as it gave me my three wonderful daughters.
In work, I can also only claim hindsight. If it was possible to have known in 2006/07 that just after I resigned my full time work to be at home for a while with the kids that I was being lied to, then maybe I would have kept my job. I am sure if I decided to stay the oppurtunities I have had the last two years in project management would probably not have happened.. I can only wish for something to work out now again in 2013. And I know it will. Waiting is just not always easy on the heart.

I have had a typical "in law" relationship with my (ex) in-laws*. The relationship was not made easier by the fact that their son who I dated and later married (and was seperated from since 2009/10 and was busy divorcing before he died) never really had the best relationship with them. It is hard, and I have to constantly smile and grind my teeth. I resort to one worded answers. I wish I can be that person that can just fake it. But since I turned 30 I realize more and more how blessed I am. My (side of the) family is easy and we are close. I have the greatest group of friends who have all known me for years (some since primary school so almost 24 years). The "ex" family have known me since 2001 and I can honestly say that they don't know me better than the day we met. And it is sad because they will be in my life forever since they are the grandparents of my kids. A border they sometimes forget but that will be a post for another day..

After this long intro.. I come to my bad decision.

The life policy on the dad of my kids is theirs. The money is in their account. And while I struggle to pay bills and make ends meet (and start our own life again), they now hold our future in their hands.

This weekend they explained their plans in detail (some of this I don't trust, as it sounds wrong even with my limited legal and finance knowledge). They explained how they can not move more than a small amount once a year and to benefit everyone they don't want to invest and move it.
Honestly. It is not about the money for me. They can keep however much they believe they need or want. But my situation I am in right now mean that I do (as much as I hate it) need a hand up. Just that moment to breathe and start again. But I want it on my terms. And there in lies the problem. They want it on their terms. I want my own life and to get the life me & my 3 had before back. And they can't wait to tell me how they hated the townhouse (that I loved) that I stayed in before. A steep entry into the estate is apparently enough to make them hate the estate.

Their offer. A trust in their whole family's name (their side plus my kids as one of many beneficaries if something should happen to them). That is fine. Their offer. A house that the trust keeps where we can stay in for how ever long. Seems fair. I bet everyone will be yelling take it. My problem. I want the life I was building for us back. I want to do it my way as I am capable and have done it. I see what being in debted to them did to our relationship and their son. I don't want that ever. I can make the best life for us. Even if it means slowly.

I am just recovering from all debt being paid off (by me). Moving. And losing my own car in a crash. It just feels like if I say yes, they are going to want more and more input into our lives. And as a adult and a mom who have never once done something to make someone not believe me, I am not sure that I want this life they offer. I am perfectly content to rent again for a while until my life settles. It gives me security in a strange way. I pay for it myself. I want to live in a estate where I feel safe.

My own plans involve moving back into a townhouse similar to the one I had the last few years. The trust can help with their school fees as I lost the contribution their dad made. I want to finish my degree and start a new course to extend my skills. This will help me get a better job. A stable job for long term security. I want my own car again. My Mazda that was written off last year was never replaced (and I was not even told what happened). I am lucky enough to have a loan car.

It sounds selfish. It sounds like a bad decision. My dad will probably thump me over the head. But I need a authentic life I can be proud of. That means just an oppurtunity. I will be working. I want to be the one to stand on my own two feet and work my way back. Will I need help. YES. But I know I can rock this life.

I'll give it a few hours. Do some research. Sleep on it. And think about it again. Don't worry.. I won't type long posts about it again ;) Sometimes writing something helps.

Especially since I can read it back later.

I don't want to make a decision on a bad day and then regret it.

But this is day .. and I still feel sure.

Wearing slippers on a Monday..

One of my favourite lines (from a comedy) is from Anchorman. I actually use this line more than I care to admit..

"That escalated quickly..".

And that is where I am in my life now.

I won't go into all the detail again as even I get tired of hearing it. Scroll down or click on any post starting with something to do with "life", "crash" or "30". I was happily cruising along in life, when 3 things happened. Each one on its own would have just been sad, or an inconvenience. A bump. But I was prepared for one at a time. Add the three together and you have a what I like to call (in South African terms) "my struggle". Now I insert a very appropriate picture I found on the Internet.

Trust your struggle. I can say that I am to the best of my ability. Truth: I am over it. I've given it 6 months plus change and remain patient. But I now want to move on. Why am I sad and over it? It feels like everything I need to move on with my life is within reach. And yet the people who can give me that hand up (not hand out) is just... In short: Not my kind of people. And the other side is all tied up in legal still.

I want my life back. My own home back. I need my own space back to make the home that my three deserve. We had that. Taking nothing away from my parents (where we stay until all this mess is sorted), but being 30 and back at home is never the easiest thing to do. Especially since I share my life with three incredible girls.

I am even tired of this being my life story. I can paint it up and put a positive spin on it, which is what I do. But I just want me back. New chapter me. Happy ending me. Happy ending us.

Hate to start a week of on this note. Maybe I should have had that second cup of coffee!

I will have to work on my trusting..

Catch my life on a screen near you!

 

I love the movie "A lot like love". And caught a few minutes earlier today. How is this for my life in the movies.. And I know how he feels. I also agree with the brother, so I do try to live like that. Some days are easy, some moments are hard. But I love every day.

 

I also had a "plan". Still do. At the moment my plan is just waiting for me to catch up again. I had to walk a bit.. but I plan to be (up and) running again within the next 2 months. 

 

Ok.. I am already 30 and not almost.. but still! Stupid year for my life to go all crazy. :)



Ah yes. Guess I can say it a million ways (between projects etc), but truth is..

This is something I want changed ASAP. I need my space again. We need our own routines. They (my 3) deserve our own life again.

My life is going on. And I was never knocked off my feet. But for a while there 2012 reminded me of hard knock life.

Soundtrack:
Ben Howard - Keep your head up. (plus the whole album).
The Lumineers - Ho Hey. (plus the whole album).
Blue October. Still on my most played list.

Part 1: Twenty something for now.

I'm not a number person, not in age or simple maths. So I don't really care much about turning 30 this year. But allow me to point out somethings anyway, to explain why I feel like I need to do something significant this year. And because the sum of my life includes three little people, the pressure is on. I want to have a Steve Jobs moment on my deathbed. I also want to say "wow" looking back at all parts of my life.

I've mentioned before about the timeline of my life being a bit messed up right now. And that is putting it mildly. Without using the nicer terms like I usually do, I can guess I can be classified as homeless, jobless and single with baggage (don't you just hate that term). But I prefer my mixed up timeline or pages missing analogy. So I dated a frog, then married said frog and basically the moment we said I do, he fell off a roof (really) and things went south from there. We had three princesses in a blink of an eye, but things between us was over and I was basically alone from day 1. Even with all that life was good. 2012 was the hiccup. My contract ended (leaving me jobless and hunting for now), my rent went up and townhouse sold (which left me homeless and living with the parentals) and I am currently finalising my divorce (finally after 3 single years, I want to be officially single).

So this is part 1 of my "Turning 30" blogpost. Putting it in writing and out in the world feels more official. It's like having a gym or a running buddy.

So all my happiness and laughing in the face of life aside, it does really suck that all this just had to happen in the year that I turn 30. Mayan predictions aside, I'm ready for the best part of my life to start. And I'll be dammed if I do not do my best to ensure that I do.

Why do I feel like I'll need a cape for this? ;)