Getting ready for cold..

I just love this table and can imagine long lunches around it.

 

I do love some nice words. And this guy is a favourite.

 

The cold part.. I can feel the weather changing. This blanket I love. But I do prefer the warmer sunshine. Especially now with the dark mornings when waking up.. Alone in bed does not help.



The word "but"..

I'm about to take on a sensitive subject with kid gloves. I've just had some conversations and experiences in the last few weeks and months that has me thinking about this again.

Church and being a Christian.

I tried typing just this: I am a Christian. The word "but" kept jumping in there. My reason is not really about doubt or not believing. But more about church. I almost feel like saying I am, but I don't attend church. A church will never allow anyone to be a "Christian..but". And in that lies some of my problem, and also the one of the experiences that put me off walking through their doors regularly.

We were raised in church (one of the biggest in Pretoria now) and I always loved going on Sundays. We always went to church until I was about 13. My parents then stopped going every Sunday but we continued attending Sunday school. I changed churches when I was 15 as I wanted to attend the church with my high school friends. One of the reasons I started disliking church, was because one of my family was almost stopped from giving his testimony because he dared voice his 17/18 year old doubts and questions. He then asked the pastor why all the other kids who just answered "Yes" was allowed to, but when he in confidence voiced a fear or question was harshly treated and basically sent away. All they wanted was a Yes. No guidance or talking. Those kids who did drugs, cursed, bullied at school etc, all they had to do was say "yes" and all was OK.

And while this didn't happen to me directly, I had some similar experiences. The world is this huge mystery to us. We haven't even begun to scratch the surface of how everything works and began. So why can't we sit and discuss (and YES, sometimes voice fears and questions). It is what makes us human. We are allowed to ask in my opinion.

I understand that you should believe without doubt. But our churches don't allow any stumble. In my opinion they show the door to people who they are supposed to help and lead. They make me uncomfortable when you walk in for the first time to a new church which customs I don't know. When do I stand, when do I sit. Am I sitting on someone's regular seat. And that is where they lose me. 

I have two songs that I love about church. Both Afrikaans. The first one is Adam Tas. "Is dit hoe sy hemel lyk". I just love the imagery. That things that made you you will be in your heaven too. He sings of his dad drinking coffee with Jesus on a stoep looking over the farm. Or his friend fishing with Jesus. Happy.
The second song is about church and is by Coenie de Villiers. He sings that his church has no walls and windows. Just nature. You can be quiet and hear.

I wish I can want to go back to a church more often. But for now I live, love, struggle, stumble, question, enjoy, fear, doubt, believe, trust, laugh, cry and pray.

God knows where I am. I talk and He listens. I don't need four walls for that. But I do wish.

Some random loves since time is tight.. A Sunday post

 

 Trust your struggle. Love this. And the font.

 Hugs like these. I get a new version from my 3. Always running up and hugging me when I pick them up from school. But the girl in me miss this.. the romance.

 I've said before.. I love hands.

 And flowers.

 And arms.

In between love and the other days.

I love Valentines. As long as you keep red roses away from me, I know you know me.

My last few Valentines (Ok more than a few.. maybe the last 6 years) I have not had a traditional Valentines. But what I get now is love and letters from my 3. And that means the world to me.

Rose farm trip.

 And Valentines love.

Roses and Love..

I have made no secret about me loving love, with all the bows and hearts and arrows that go with it. Mentions have been obvious. Recap?

One.. My extensive book collection consisting of 95% happily ever after, sometimes trashy (what some might call "beach reading") books, my DVD and PVR favourites.. all happy. Princes and castles. Horses and sunsets. Check and Check.

Then the fact that even though I have been let down by love, I am still a torch bearer and the first person who will fight for love.

My Pins.. Yes. I have a "Someday" board. And I have no shame. I am old enough to know what I want and young enough to still know that it can happen.

Back to this weekend. I'm a firm believer that every weekend deserves a adventure. Big or small. So we try something new (new place, new art, new restaurant, new park, new sight etc) every weekend that we do not have a party (or 3).

This will be the point that I divert from my point again and remember what someone said to me on Friday. I hate allowing people's words who do not really know me or are not close to me to affect me, but as I have said before, I truly believe my car accident in September along with me turning 30 in July adjusted my honesty bone. I just can not be bothered anymore. What this person said was: "So how are the girls?". Me:"Great, happy it is Friday because no after school activities and I pick them up early and we have fun". Person:"But weekends, you probably hate that right? All three at home and busy. Must drive you crazy". Me:...silence.. "No. that is exactly why I love weekends...." and cue the song... "..If you don't know me by now...". 12 years.

Too bad some ties can not be cut. From my side I can not ever imagining any drama big enough to cut out extended family. But why they have to make it hard. For the last 12 years I have tried, and smiled and nodded, and agreed, and tried. Now? Comments like that. No one has time in for that in this short and beautiful life.

Weekend of roses is what we had. And I was impressed. Haven't been to the rose farm in years.

Walking in there is a huge gazebo. Sun above, earth below. Roses (millions) around us.

Driving the Tractor / Train along the rose mile.

Bliss.

Playground at Ludwigs. Awesome.

Me playing with the coke bottles and all the flowers they bring me.

Discovering the (currently empty but still beautiful) butterfly garden.

The venue at Ludwig's. Awesome. Wouldn't mind my next wedding amongst the roses.

August our helper impressing the girls. Picked us some roses.

 

The blog. My life. Act 3, Scene 1.

You think.

Let me start a blog. I figured that it will take a while to decide exactly what direction to focus on. Without a doubt there would have been kids that filtered through if I decided to just do a “me” blog. But I wanted a space just share our adventures. Our life remembered. I have never been great with actual pen and paper memories, but I can update random thoughts online…

So who would have figured that even my life, as unplanned as it was, would just take that curve ball called, I guess life.

So while I want to just share, I do sometimes pause and wonder how much I want to share and how much whoever reads this wants to hear. I am sure I can do a real nail biter of a blog, all nitty gritty, stress about finances, work, kids, family fights, drama that I did not invite, weight, dreams. I could throw my hand to my brow and give you that.

But this is how my mind works. I take a step back. I think and see the good (there always is with the three). Do I have panicked moments? You bet. These are normally saved for some poor bugger who asks if I want sugar or if I have triplets or explains where to park. And then gets my life story when a simple yes and no answer would have sufficed.

So for now, my blog will continue as is. I will however add the following exciting feature pieces, because I thought I might as well go big or go home (in this case: do some of it publically so I have less of a chance of chickening out).

·         Finally reach all those last goals I set for myself to get fit again. I need to be the best me and the best mom for my 3 (now more than ever). There is no halfway any more about this.

·         Job and career. I need this more than ever for myself. I would love to just have a great life for us. No more stop starts.

·         No prizes for guessing the last one: Love. And dating. And all the fluffy stuff that comes with it.

I want control back. I’ve had it for so long, yet life has now dealt me cards that make people believe they should take over. I’m 30 and have never done one thing to break trust in me. So feeling this way now, I hate it. Fights over who gets control over the estate. Who decides what... I don’t even know where these things come from. And I want it out of my life. Out of our life... I want no part of it. I just want to continue.

So back to the plan: Nothing much will change. I just wanted to heads up that there will be more day to day adventures, but expect a dash of more real. With all of the love and fun, as always.

Even if it just for my own peace of mind. Putting things out there makes it all feel OK.

 

Hope this makes as much sense to you as it does to me.

Another day on the tracks.. Distracting.

Tomorrow. Funny how words to describe a day leave you when it matters the most.

For us, life kind of went on as normal. From my side I saw it as distracting them, but I'm sure from their side it as business as usual.

To switch your mind off, That is hard. I worry about the three. That tomorrow is needed for a goodbye, but that they are too young and all that sad and reality is too much.

What I don't look forward to, for myself (minus all the usual funeral stuff) is that there appears to have been lies. So everyone from his side of the family is under the impression it seems that I lost a husband. The love of my life. For me it is that I lost someone dear that was a huge (about as big as anyone can get in your life) part of my life thus far. First real boyfriend. Marriage. Father of my three. But the "us" was removed from my life story years ago. I won't go bitter today. So while I am so sad, and even more sad that he won't see them grow up. That they won't know their real dad. That he was so young. That life is not fair...

I don't like that people act like I will now suddenly be lost. That people who don't know me echo words that show that they do not know me. That they do not know us (me and the three). And Willem.

But how blessed are we.. the people that share our time are just the best. A call, a sms. A hug. A coffee and a offer. All of the mentioned gestures show they care. And that they know us.

Ramble done. So back to the distraction. We went back to the Centurion Model Engineers. They wanted to show our visitor from afar (Cape Town) what fun steam can be.

 

 

 

Monday morning thoughts..

This will be quick. And just a few thoughts. I have things to do, places to go, on this my "off" day. No work means more work sometimes!

Some of the things I bought at the market yesterday is just too pretty not to share.

It is Afrikaans. So sorry for those who do not understand it.

One was for your child. My kind. A book for me to fill for each of them with recipes, photos and thought...

Ek skryf vir jou hierdie klein stukkies
onthou.. resepte van jou gunsteling eetgoed,
maar ook n paar goed wat ek graag met jou wil deel.
...Liefhê-goed, lag-goed, eina-goed, onthou goed..
omdat jy vir my kosbaar is.
Vul dit aan met jou eie treffers, en onthou daar sal dalk dae wees
wat net die hond
opgewonde sal wees oor jou nuwe dis!
(Freda Schoeman)

DANKBAAR, thankful
KOSBAAR, prescious
VREUGDE, happiness
GENADE, grace
LIEFDE, love
LAG, laughter

All of the above is what I want for them. What I want for me.

The art part of life..

Last week I went to a art auction for charity. I loved the whole concept. The feel of the evening.

Everyone could donate art - in any form. Pictures you printed, something you drew, old art, new art. All the art was then displayed. You could browse while Dans Dans Lisa played some nice tunes. On the side of the room there was a bucket filled with beer and ciders, free (but if you could just donate anything).

Everything went for R100. And at 20:00 they said "GO" and you had to run to be the first at the work you wanted to buy. If more than one person wanted the same thing, people then had to barter and or fight. Or pay more. Fun night out with just a touch of art.

The crowd was wonderfully young and hipster, with the oddest couples that just made sense in the picture. Wish I took photos of them all..

Real Life is.. real.

I have led a very fortunate and happy life. I still do. I still am. Happy.

Everything that has happened to me would have given me reason to be..less happier? Angry? Sad? All I know is that it has made me feel loved. Strong. Happy. Privileged.

But every now and again real life rears it head. And then even I get a off day. Case and point today. Wow.. and was it bad.

I blame the internet. Sit tight.

Guess there can be many reasons why I have not blogged. Life being one. Work another, oh and the etc. But lately I kind of blame the internet.

And thanks to the Olympic opening ceremony, I know who started it..

Since I have not blogged in a while - I thought some randomness would be appropiate. So this is a guy who I think looks hot..

Radio and Traffic

Have you ever heard a song a million times.

And yet one day it plays and you "hear" the song.. That happened to me. Today. I should add at this point that my normally sub 20 minutes travel time from work to home took more than 2.5 hours.. but here we go anyhow.

Online.. socialising.

I flipped a switch. I took a chance. I went against a lot that I have been saying in the past. But let me me give it to you simply..

What do I want in my life again?

What am I trying to get said LOVE with lights on?

Romance and Pretty Things

I've never made a secret of the fact that I wanted (well and want, and will have) a Happily Ever After. I love all things romance and love. Even a failed marriage isn't enough to jade me even a shade.

Funny thoughts and Rain and Princesses

I felt like a a rep today. From 8am until about 14:30 was spent driving around. I love driving, but hate driving back and forth aimlessly, going this way then that, then back this way. And while it started out cold, driving around the sun got hotter. As always on the day that I can least afford it, I am a regretful dresser. Most days I love what I wear, and I'm comfortable in it. But there is always those days when you put on something, already thinking in the back of your mind that you will regret this. This morning it was a black top with a lacy back. And a black bra. I put on a winter cardigan over it, knowing I couldn't take it off without raising a few eyebrows. It became hotter and hotter. Yes. I stopped at home and changed.

In all my travels I had some time for some funny thoughts. I got married at a place called Deja Vu. So when that song came on the radio (not sure who sings it, but it has deja vu in the chorus or the start), I had this funny thought of getting married there again. It will be ironic. This was then.