The blog. My life. Act 3, Scene 1.

You think.

Let me start a blog. I figured that it will take a while to decide exactly what direction to focus on. Without a doubt there would have been kids that filtered through if I decided to just do a “me” blog. But I wanted a space just share our adventures. Our life remembered. I have never been great with actual pen and paper memories, but I can update random thoughts online…

So who would have figured that even my life, as unplanned as it was, would just take that curve ball called, I guess life.

So while I want to just share, I do sometimes pause and wonder how much I want to share and how much whoever reads this wants to hear. I am sure I can do a real nail biter of a blog, all nitty gritty, stress about finances, work, kids, family fights, drama that I did not invite, weight, dreams. I could throw my hand to my brow and give you that.

But this is how my mind works. I take a step back. I think and see the good (there always is with the three). Do I have panicked moments? You bet. These are normally saved for some poor bugger who asks if I want sugar or if I have triplets or explains where to park. And then gets my life story when a simple yes and no answer would have sufficed.

So for now, my blog will continue as is. I will however add the following exciting feature pieces, because I thought I might as well go big or go home (in this case: do some of it publically so I have less of a chance of chickening out).

·         Finally reach all those last goals I set for myself to get fit again. I need to be the best me and the best mom for my 3 (now more than ever). There is no halfway any more about this.

·         Job and career. I need this more than ever for myself. I would love to just have a great life for us. No more stop starts.

·         No prizes for guessing the last one: Love. And dating. And all the fluffy stuff that comes with it.

I want control back. I’ve had it for so long, yet life has now dealt me cards that make people believe they should take over. I’m 30 and have never done one thing to break trust in me. So feeling this way now, I hate it. Fights over who gets control over the estate. Who decides what... I don’t even know where these things come from. And I want it out of my life. Out of our life... I want no part of it. I just want to continue.

So back to the plan: Nothing much will change. I just wanted to heads up that there will be more day to day adventures, but expect a dash of more real. With all of the love and fun, as always.

Even if it just for my own peace of mind. Putting things out there makes it all feel OK.

 

Hope this makes as much sense to you as it does to me.

Just some favourites.

I know I go on and on about how lucky, and blessed, and loved I am, and how cool my brothers are. But this is my younger brother (by a year depends on the month ;)..). And he has some fans.

 

Kisses to say goodbye. On his way to the airport.

 Menay & Prieur.

 Minki & Menay using Prieur as a prop for their photo shoot.

 Kristi decided she did not want to be forced into a photoshoot (as only she can). So we make do with the odd photo pretty Kristi makes a appearance :) along with Pretty Menay and Pretty Prieur!

Life and a picture.

Ballet year one.. or level one? I'll get all the terms when I'm a pro Ballet Mom. But we had our year end party at the ballet studio today.

And how funny is this?

Older sister's party. Reminder of who is number 2 and 3 (2.1 and 2.1)?

Just one picture, one huge thank you. And love.

We said our goodbyes today, and typing with emotions still so raw is rough. But I stand back. Amazed at our support. My friends. My family. My brothers. My parents.. my three. I can only but echo the same words over and over... oh wow. wow.

No words can express all my thanks. Evey message, laugh (yes), cry, awkward moment, hug, message, email, facebook like. Every call. Every offer. Every coffee. All of it.

I know we have had a great life until this. And I know we will have the best ahead. We will aways remember. We will always save a bit of our heart for him. I will make sure they remember.

But I, in my believe and love, know that there is more. Oh so much more. And I will be there.

Who likes Mondays anyway eh? Tuesdays. Sounds just perfect for a new chapter.

Can I say thank you one more time? Thank you. And love. And thanks.

Our adventure has but just started. And one day at a time. One conversation and one everything at a time. That is what life is all about.

Love.

Another day on the tracks.. Distracting.

Tomorrow. Funny how words to describe a day leave you when it matters the most.

For us, life kind of went on as normal. From my side I saw it as distracting them, but I'm sure from their side it as business as usual.

To switch your mind off, That is hard. I worry about the three. That tomorrow is needed for a goodbye, but that they are too young and all that sad and reality is too much.

What I don't look forward to, for myself (minus all the usual funeral stuff) is that there appears to have been lies. So everyone from his side of the family is under the impression it seems that I lost a husband. The love of my life. For me it is that I lost someone dear that was a huge (about as big as anyone can get in your life) part of my life thus far. First real boyfriend. Marriage. Father of my three. But the "us" was removed from my life story years ago. I won't go bitter today. So while I am so sad, and even more sad that he won't see them grow up. That they won't know their real dad. That he was so young. That life is not fair...

I don't like that people act like I will now suddenly be lost. That people who don't know me echo words that show that they do not know me. That they do not know us (me and the three). And Willem.

But how blessed are we.. the people that share our time are just the best. A call, a sms. A hug. A coffee and a offer. All of the mentioned gestures show they care. And that they know us.

Ramble done. So back to the distraction. We went back to the Centurion Model Engineers. They wanted to show our visitor from afar (Cape Town) what fun steam can be.

 

 

 

Some fun on the run

Some of the fun we had been having didn't get posted for obvious reasons..

So to break some of the serious. Here is some of the fun.

Feeding the animals and laughing the Alpacas with their new haircut.

 Posing with the roses, family self portrait.

Sharing ice cream in the pool on a Sunday..

 Lasers at the music show..

 Some bike fun with the Christian Ass of Bikers SA.

 This was fun.. the castle is sealed. The chairs pull 5m up. The rip open the door and you fall and bounce. My feet and M in green. Twins looking through the window.

 Bikes wowed and scared us. Reactions: Wow.. Cool. And LOUD!

 K was not impressed that I just put my bag down. What if someone takes it!

 Waterball fun.

 Cheerleaders in training.

 And us again. Random Sunday at the golf course after a walk.

Truth and Panic

Allow me a moment of panic on here.. I know I am strong. I also know I can deal with all this. But right now. This month, I also have a part that is just plain scared and panicking.

All my cards on the table (yes I am pulling out my sympathy cards as well):

(1) I have been a single mom for a few years now. So this part is no problem. I have also always tried to cover all our costs myself (not be too dependent), especially the last two years. But now I am truly single. And with no monthly support to count on. All my plans is kind of scattered on the ground right now. I'm leaving some of them there for now since I can not panic over them now. I deal with what I can for now.
(2) I am still technically carless. I have a car that a family member borrowed me, but all the insurance is STILL not sorted out according to my ex-family in law (the car was still in their name). So it is another thing. But I'm mobile for now. But wish something can be worked out now..
(3) I had a fixed term work contract. Which ends this month. I have been looking for work the whole time on and off as I am over contract work. I love it, it is exciting, money is good, it is challenging, but now more than ever I need permanent. I want my hard work to actually mean something. I want a career to support my three. So it is hugely frustrating that I just can not find work. I have to be a little picky. I can not accept a tiny job in a tiny company with no growth, so I have to turn down some. Others claim I have too much experience. Others claim I need X or Y. I just want to work. I never complain and work so hard, so it breaks my heart that my company I currently work for keep all these people who play Solitaire every day and chat most of the day. This is frustration typing here..

So yes, I do have some legitimate reason for panic and fear. I try to take it in my stride. But I just want my life to get a course now and stay there. I've had a restart two years ago, and now with this last bump I am basically back there. I want a full and happy life for my three (and me). So I am fiercely determined and will work harder for that reason alone.

But I count my blessings. I just wish one of them is a job offer that allows me to tick that box of my worry list.

Admitting all this felt good. And this is probably what you would call in a nutshell, but admitting it out loud (online) makes it scarier.

I'll need a little help from my friends and my big girl panties for this!

Laughter and Fringes

I've mentioned the embarrassing moments I have in my life, and not just lately, I've always had my share. This morning was such a laugh.. I had to give the teachers a disclaimer that anything they say today is not from me. Well. Not out loud.

So I've been explaining the last year or so that I will get married again at some point.. but it wasn't something we discussed a lot because they didn't really ask a lot. Now that their dad is dead, they did ask it again. I overheard the twins asking my eldest if Mom can marry again (get a new boy for our family - their words). They have a few friends and even a teacher with similar scenarios, so it's not so bad in their eyes. So I also discussed it with them again.. and now they are in full wedding planning mode. Not ideal when I am dealing with family. :)

So this morning on the way to school, they asked again. When are you getting a new boy for us mom (they even decided that I will have a new baby for them to play with with said new boy)?. Then they started getting really loud and excited - they decided I needed to get a new boy today. And not just any boy. A boy who plays guitar (at least they know me), and has a "opstaan kuif" (a gelled up fringe), with the rest of his hair flat. Like a guy we saw at a concert a while ago. And can I call him, today please.

I had to quickly explain that is does take a bit longer than that! But yes of course, if I do meet a guy like that and we like (and later love) him and him us, of course we can get married! And yes, they will be flower girls.

I can just imagine what some people will think when they hear that their mom is looking for a new boy. For them it will feel like it is too quick, some of them always forget the last few years. Very convenient for them, not so much for me.

At least I have a more specific type of boy to look out for now. And maybe add to a online dating profile. 30-35, SWM, must love kids, fun, coffee. Intelligent and active, oh, and you must gel your fringe upright. Guitar a bonus. We prefer dark hair.

I secretly wish it can be sooner rather than later. I'm miss having a partner to join in on the fun we have. And kisses and hugs. I do miss those..

The sad post..

I've been avoiding doing this update.. I'm just not good at blogging when too sad, or too angry. Whatever I type when in one of these moods normally end up in my drafts to be reconsidered and reread the  next day.

I'll go for the straight answer, and also do this in everyday life. Everyone that I am close with know all the details, the rest work on the principal: You ask, I tell.

Ok, so after that paragraph of delay. The dad of my three died this weekend in a car crash. We don't know much of the accident, other than the fact that he rolled the car on his way back from a site visit and died hours later. We are still trying to get him back from Mozambique. So now I am truly living a unplanned life.

The kids have been amazing, and it makes it easy for me. Yes, we smile. Yes, we still play. And we have so many awkward moments now.

I spoke to my one brother. Him: "Hi, How are you?"; Me: "Great and you.. *pause*", Slap my head and the tears start.. We end the conversation with him saying "Have a great day too", after I said the same to him (he was going to Robben Island). But that is what I need. That is what I do as well. I say the wrong things at the wrong times. And it is OK. I still want normal.

The kids run up to everyone and in the second sentence after meeting them, they look at me and ask if it is OK for them to tell the person their dad is dead. I nod, it is good for them to talk about. If it means some awkwardness for the other person, so be it. They need to accept it and talk about it. I'm all for social good manners, but also all for open communication.

We feel so blessed this last week. I always knew I had awesome friends, great family and great support, but even I was truly surprised at the amount.

For now we wait. And miss. Be warned, or just informed, I don't plan to blog too much on this subject. I have overwhelming support in real life. But it will filter through in some posts..

Thank you even for the online support of random strangers. I feel truly blessed.

A quote I have lived my last four years by,and will look to again:

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life — It goes on. Robert Frost.