Truth and Panic

Allow me a moment of panic on here.. I know I am strong. I also know I can deal with all this. But right now. This month, I also have a part that is just plain scared and panicking.

All my cards on the table (yes I am pulling out my sympathy cards as well):

(1) I have been a single mom for a few years now. So this part is no problem. I have also always tried to cover all our costs myself (not be too dependent), especially the last two years. But now I am truly single. And with no monthly support to count on. All my plans is kind of scattered on the ground right now. I'm leaving some of them there for now since I can not panic over them now. I deal with what I can for now.
(2) I am still technically carless. I have a car that a family member borrowed me, but all the insurance is STILL not sorted out according to my ex-family in law (the car was still in their name). So it is another thing. But I'm mobile for now. But wish something can be worked out now..
(3) I had a fixed term work contract. Which ends this month. I have been looking for work the whole time on and off as I am over contract work. I love it, it is exciting, money is good, it is challenging, but now more than ever I need permanent. I want my hard work to actually mean something. I want a career to support my three. So it is hugely frustrating that I just can not find work. I have to be a little picky. I can not accept a tiny job in a tiny company with no growth, so I have to turn down some. Others claim I have too much experience. Others claim I need X or Y. I just want to work. I never complain and work so hard, so it breaks my heart that my company I currently work for keep all these people who play Solitaire every day and chat most of the day. This is frustration typing here..

So yes, I do have some legitimate reason for panic and fear. I try to take it in my stride. But I just want my life to get a course now and stay there. I've had a restart two years ago, and now with this last bump I am basically back there. I want a full and happy life for my three (and me). So I am fiercely determined and will work harder for that reason alone.

But I count my blessings. I just wish one of them is a job offer that allows me to tick that box of my worry list.

Admitting all this felt good. And this is probably what you would call in a nutshell, but admitting it out loud (online) makes it scarier.

I'll need a little help from my friends and my big girl panties for this!