I am in a bit of a low point in my (so far) wonderful life. And now I stand at the age of 30, on my way to the rest of my life (I almost added the best of my life)..
It is easy to write while the coin is still in the air. Just to convince myself I think.
What I know.
Love and Money:
I have been lucky so far in life with my family, friends and sometimes in work. I can not look back and really regret any decision I have made. I can look back and wish I didn't marry the person I did. I was young and it felt right at the time. Hindsight is easy, but I can not regret it as it gave me my three wonderful daughters.
In work, I can also only claim hindsight. If it was possible to have known in 2006/07 that just after I resigned my full time work to be at home for a while with the kids that I was being lied to, then maybe I would have kept my job. I am sure if I decided to stay the oppurtunities I have had the last two years in project management would probably not have happened.. I can only wish for something to work out now again in 2013. And I know it will. Waiting is just not always easy on the heart.
I have had a typical "in law" relationship with my (ex) in-laws*. The relationship was not made easier by the fact that their son who I dated and later married (and was seperated from since 2009/10 and was busy divorcing before he died) never really had the best relationship with them. It is hard, and I have to constantly smile and grind my teeth. I resort to one worded answers. I wish I can be that person that can just fake it. But since I turned 30 I realize more and more how blessed I am. My (side of the) family is easy and we are close. I have the greatest group of friends who have all known me for years (some since primary school so almost 24 years). The "ex" family have known me since 2001 and I can honestly say that they don't know me better than the day we met. And it is sad because they will be in my life forever since they are the grandparents of my kids. A border they sometimes forget but that will be a post for another day..
After this long intro.. I come to my bad decision.
The life policy on the dad of my kids is theirs. The money is in their account. And while I struggle to pay bills and make ends meet (and start our own life again), they now hold our future in their hands.
This weekend they explained their plans in detail (some of this I don't trust, as it sounds wrong even with my limited legal and finance knowledge). They explained how they can not move more than a small amount once a year and to benefit everyone they don't want to invest and move it.
Honestly. It is not about the money for me. They can keep however much they believe they need or want. But my situation I am in right now mean that I do (as much as I hate it) need a hand up. Just that moment to breathe and start again. But I want it on my terms. And there in lies the problem. They want it on their terms. I want my own life and to get the life me & my 3 had before back. And they can't wait to tell me how they hated the townhouse (that I loved) that I stayed in before. A steep entry into the estate is apparently enough to make them hate the estate.
Their offer. A trust in their whole family's name (their side plus my kids as one of many beneficaries if something should happen to them). That is fine. Their offer. A house that the trust keeps where we can stay in for how ever long. Seems fair. I bet everyone will be yelling take it. My problem. I want the life I was building for us back. I want to do it my way as I am capable and have done it. I see what being in debted to them did to our relationship and their son. I don't want that ever. I can make the best life for us. Even if it means slowly.
I am just recovering from all debt being paid off (by me). Moving. And losing my own car in a crash. It just feels like if I say yes, they are going to want more and more input into our lives. And as a adult and a mom who have never once done something to make someone not believe me, I am not sure that I want this life they offer. I am perfectly content to rent again for a while until my life settles. It gives me security in a strange way. I pay for it myself. I want to live in a estate where I feel safe.
My own plans involve moving back into a townhouse similar to the one I had the last few years. The trust can help with their school fees as I lost the contribution their dad made. I want to finish my degree and start a new course to extend my skills. This will help me get a better job. A stable job for long term security. I want my own car again. My Mazda that was written off last year was never replaced (and I was not even told what happened). I am lucky enough to have a loan car.
I'll give it a few hours. Do some research. Sleep on it. And think about it again. Don't worry.. I won't type long posts about it again ;) Sometimes writing something helps.
Especially since I can read it back later.
I don't want to make a decision on a bad day and then regret it.
But this is day .. and I still feel sure.
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