The word "but"..

I'm about to take on a sensitive subject with kid gloves. I've just had some conversations and experiences in the last few weeks and months that has me thinking about this again.

Church and being a Christian.

I tried typing just this: I am a Christian. The word "but" kept jumping in there. My reason is not really about doubt or not believing. But more about church. I almost feel like saying I am, but I don't attend church. A church will never allow anyone to be a "Christian..but". And in that lies some of my problem, and also the one of the experiences that put me off walking through their doors regularly.

We were raised in church (one of the biggest in Pretoria now) and I always loved going on Sundays. We always went to church until I was about 13. My parents then stopped going every Sunday but we continued attending Sunday school. I changed churches when I was 15 as I wanted to attend the church with my high school friends. One of the reasons I started disliking church, was because one of my family was almost stopped from giving his testimony because he dared voice his 17/18 year old doubts and questions. He then asked the pastor why all the other kids who just answered "Yes" was allowed to, but when he in confidence voiced a fear or question was harshly treated and basically sent away. All they wanted was a Yes. No guidance or talking. Those kids who did drugs, cursed, bullied at school etc, all they had to do was say "yes" and all was OK.

And while this didn't happen to me directly, I had some similar experiences. The world is this huge mystery to us. We haven't even begun to scratch the surface of how everything works and began. So why can't we sit and discuss (and YES, sometimes voice fears and questions). It is what makes us human. We are allowed to ask in my opinion.

I understand that you should believe without doubt. But our churches don't allow any stumble. In my opinion they show the door to people who they are supposed to help and lead. They make me uncomfortable when you walk in for the first time to a new church which customs I don't know. When do I stand, when do I sit. Am I sitting on someone's regular seat. And that is where they lose me. 

I have two songs that I love about church. Both Afrikaans. The first one is Adam Tas. "Is dit hoe sy hemel lyk". I just love the imagery. That things that made you you will be in your heaven too. He sings of his dad drinking coffee with Jesus on a stoep looking over the farm. Or his friend fishing with Jesus. Happy.
The second song is about church and is by Coenie de Villiers. He sings that his church has no walls and windows. Just nature. You can be quiet and hear.

I wish I can want to go back to a church more often. But for now I live, love, struggle, stumble, question, enjoy, fear, doubt, believe, trust, laugh, cry and pray.

God knows where I am. I talk and He listens. I don't need four walls for that. But I do wish.