We had a very random braai last night. I walked in to find my dad wheeling his braai out. It was a nice surprise. A Thursday braai under blue skies.
Yes indeed it is Friday.
Thursday 28 February 2013
Friday, and the living is easy.
Now that the heavy is of my chest, I'll remember it is a beautiful, grey and rainy Friday, and all hearts should be laughing.
We had a very random braai last night. I walked in to find my dad wheeling his braai out. It was a nice surprise. A Thursday braai under blue skies.
Yes indeed it is Friday.
At our braai a bird flew past into the tree (according to the kids). They picked the bird up and called me. He was still alive for a few seconds and then died :( So I had to plan a funeral attended by those outside at the time.
Menay drew this for Oupa (Granddad).
We had a very random braai last night. I walked in to find my dad wheeling his braai out. It was a nice surprise. A Thursday braai under blue skies.
Yes indeed it is Friday.
The word "but"..
I'm about to take on a sensitive subject with kid gloves. I've just had some conversations and experiences in the last few weeks and months that has me thinking about this again.
Church and being a Christian.
I tried typing just this: I am a Christian. The word "but" kept jumping in there. My reason is not really about doubt or not believing. But more about church. I almost feel like saying I am, but I don't attend church. A church will never allow anyone to be a "Christian..but". And in that lies some of my problem, and also the one of the experiences that put me off walking through their doors regularly.
We were raised in church (one of the biggest in Pretoria now) and I always loved going on Sundays. We always went to church until I was about 13. My parents then stopped going every Sunday but we continued attending Sunday school. I changed churches when I was 15 as I wanted to attend the church with my high school friends. One of the reasons I started disliking church, was because one of my family was almost stopped from giving his testimony because he dared voice his 17/18 year old doubts and questions. He then asked the pastor why all the other kids who just answered "Yes" was allowed to, but when he in confidence voiced a fear or question was harshly treated and basically sent away. All they wanted was a Yes. No guidance or talking. Those kids who did drugs, cursed, bullied at school etc, all they had to do was say "yes" and all was OK.
And while this didn't happen to me directly, I had some similar experiences. The world is this huge mystery to us. We haven't even begun to scratch the surface of how everything works and began. So why can't we sit and discuss (and YES, sometimes voice fears and questions). It is what makes us human. We are allowed to ask in my opinion.
I understand that you should believe without doubt. But our churches don't allow any stumble. In my opinion they show the door to people who they are supposed to help and lead. They make me uncomfortable when you walk in for the first time to a new church which customs I don't know. When do I stand, when do I sit. Am I sitting on someone's regular seat. And that is where they lose me.
I have two songs that I love about church. Both Afrikaans. The first one is Adam Tas. "Is dit hoe sy hemel lyk". I just love the imagery. That things that made you you will be in your heaven too. He sings of his dad drinking coffee with Jesus on a stoep looking over the farm. Or his friend fishing with Jesus. Happy.
The second song is about church and is by Coenie de Villiers. He sings that his church has no walls and windows. Just nature. You can be quiet and hear.
I wish I can want to go back to a church more often. But for now I live, love, struggle, stumble, question, enjoy, fear, doubt, believe, trust, laugh, cry and pray.
God knows where I am. I talk and He listens. I don't need four walls for that. But I do wish.
Church and being a Christian.
I tried typing just this: I am a Christian. The word "but" kept jumping in there. My reason is not really about doubt or not believing. But more about church. I almost feel like saying I am, but I don't attend church. A church will never allow anyone to be a "Christian..but". And in that lies some of my problem, and also the one of the experiences that put me off walking through their doors regularly.
We were raised in church (one of the biggest in Pretoria now) and I always loved going on Sundays. We always went to church until I was about 13. My parents then stopped going every Sunday but we continued attending Sunday school. I changed churches when I was 15 as I wanted to attend the church with my high school friends. One of the reasons I started disliking church, was because one of my family was almost stopped from giving his testimony because he dared voice his 17/18 year old doubts and questions. He then asked the pastor why all the other kids who just answered "Yes" was allowed to, but when he in confidence voiced a fear or question was harshly treated and basically sent away. All they wanted was a Yes. No guidance or talking. Those kids who did drugs, cursed, bullied at school etc, all they had to do was say "yes" and all was OK.
And while this didn't happen to me directly, I had some similar experiences. The world is this huge mystery to us. We haven't even begun to scratch the surface of how everything works and began. So why can't we sit and discuss (and YES, sometimes voice fears and questions). It is what makes us human. We are allowed to ask in my opinion.
I understand that you should believe without doubt. But our churches don't allow any stumble. In my opinion they show the door to people who they are supposed to help and lead. They make me uncomfortable when you walk in for the first time to a new church which customs I don't know. When do I stand, when do I sit. Am I sitting on someone's regular seat. And that is where they lose me.
I have two songs that I love about church. Both Afrikaans. The first one is Adam Tas. "Is dit hoe sy hemel lyk". I just love the imagery. That things that made you you will be in your heaven too. He sings of his dad drinking coffee with Jesus on a stoep looking over the farm. Or his friend fishing with Jesus. Happy.
The second song is about church and is by Coenie de Villiers. He sings that his church has no walls and windows. Just nature. You can be quiet and hear.
I wish I can want to go back to a church more often. But for now I live, love, struggle, stumble, question, enjoy, fear, doubt, believe, trust, laugh, cry and pray.
God knows where I am. I talk and He listens. I don't need four walls for that. But I do wish.
All about the hair..
One of the perks having three beautiful girls.. I get to play with their hair. Some of the shots. Top 3 was this morning before school..
I wish I could grow my hair as long as theirs again!
Tuesday 26 February 2013
Making bad decisions for the right reasons..
I read this quote in the title somewhere this morning.. And I am more certain with every passing day that I just might be on my way to do the same.
I am in a bit of a low point in my (so far) wonderful life. And now I stand at the age of 30, on my way to the rest of my life (I almost added the best of my life)..
It is easy to write while the coin is still in the air. Just to convince myself I think.
What I know.
Love and Money:
I have been lucky so far in life with my family, friends and sometimes in work. I can not look back and really regret any decision I have made. I can look back and wish I didn't marry the person I did. I was young and it felt right at the time. Hindsight is easy, but I can not regret it as it gave me my three wonderful daughters.
In work, I can also only claim hindsight. If it was possible to have known in 2006/07 that just after I resigned my full time work to be at home for a while with the kids that I was being lied to, then maybe I would have kept my job. I am sure if I decided to stay the oppurtunities I have had the last two years in project management would probably not have happened.. I can only wish for something to work out now again in 2013. And I know it will. Waiting is just not always easy on the heart.
I have had a typical "in law" relationship with my (ex) in-laws*. The relationship was not made easier by the fact that their son who I dated and later married (and was seperated from since 2009/10 and was busy divorcing before he died) never really had the best relationship with them. It is hard, and I have to constantly smile and grind my teeth. I resort to one worded answers. I wish I can be that person that can just fake it. But since I turned 30 I realize more and more how blessed I am. My (side of the) family is easy and we are close. I have the greatest group of friends who have all known me for years (some since primary school so almost 24 years). The "ex" family have known me since 2001 and I can honestly say that they don't know me better than the day we met. And it is sad because they will be in my life forever since they are the grandparents of my kids. A border they sometimes forget but that will be a post for another day..
After this long intro.. I come to my bad decision.
The life policy on the dad of my kids is theirs. The money is in their account. And while I struggle to pay bills and make ends meet (and start our own life again), they now hold our future in their hands.
This weekend they explained their plans in detail (some of this I don't trust, as it sounds wrong even with my limited legal and finance knowledge). They explained how they can not move more than a small amount once a year and to benefit everyone they don't want to invest and move it.
Honestly. It is not about the money for me. They can keep however much they believe they need or want. But my situation I am in right now mean that I do (as much as I hate it) need a hand up. Just that moment to breathe and start again. But I want it on my terms. And there in lies the problem. They want it on their terms. I want my own life and to get the life me & my 3 had before back. And they can't wait to tell me how they hated the townhouse (that I loved) that I stayed in before. A steep entry into the estate is apparently enough to make them hate the estate.
Their offer. A trust in their whole family's name (their side plus my kids as one of many beneficaries if something should happen to them). That is fine. Their offer. A house that the trust keeps where we can stay in for how ever long. Seems fair. I bet everyone will be yelling take it. My problem. I want the life I was building for us back. I want to do it my way as I am capable and have done it. I see what being in debted to them did to our relationship and their son. I don't want that ever. I can make the best life for us. Even if it means slowly.
I am just recovering from all debt being paid off (by me). Moving. And losing my own car in a crash. It just feels like if I say yes, they are going to want more and more input into our lives. And as a adult and a mom who have never once done something to make someone not believe me, I am not sure that I want this life they offer. I am perfectly content to rent again for a while until my life settles. It gives me security in a strange way. I pay for it myself. I want to live in a estate where I feel safe.
My own plans involve moving back into a townhouse similar to the one I had the last few years. The trust can help with their school fees as I lost the contribution their dad made. I want to finish my degree and start a new course to extend my skills. This will help me get a better job. A stable job for long term security. I want my own car again. My Mazda that was written off last year was never replaced (and I was not even told what happened). I am lucky enough to have a loan car.
It sounds selfish. It sounds like a bad decision. My dad will probably thump me over the head. But I need a authentic life I can be proud of. That means just an oppurtunity. I will be working. I want to be the one to stand on my own two feet and work my way back. Will I need help. YES. But I know I can rock this life.
I'll give it a few hours. Do some research. Sleep on it. And think about it again. Don't worry.. I won't type long posts about it again ;) Sometimes writing something helps.
Especially since I can read it back later.
I don't want to make a decision on a bad day and then regret it.
But this is day .. and I still feel sure.
I am in a bit of a low point in my (so far) wonderful life. And now I stand at the age of 30, on my way to the rest of my life (I almost added the best of my life)..
It is easy to write while the coin is still in the air. Just to convince myself I think.
What I know.
Love and Money:
I have been lucky so far in life with my family, friends and sometimes in work. I can not look back and really regret any decision I have made. I can look back and wish I didn't marry the person I did. I was young and it felt right at the time. Hindsight is easy, but I can not regret it as it gave me my three wonderful daughters.
In work, I can also only claim hindsight. If it was possible to have known in 2006/07 that just after I resigned my full time work to be at home for a while with the kids that I was being lied to, then maybe I would have kept my job. I am sure if I decided to stay the oppurtunities I have had the last two years in project management would probably not have happened.. I can only wish for something to work out now again in 2013. And I know it will. Waiting is just not always easy on the heart.
I have had a typical "in law" relationship with my (ex) in-laws*. The relationship was not made easier by the fact that their son who I dated and later married (and was seperated from since 2009/10 and was busy divorcing before he died) never really had the best relationship with them. It is hard, and I have to constantly smile and grind my teeth. I resort to one worded answers. I wish I can be that person that can just fake it. But since I turned 30 I realize more and more how blessed I am. My (side of the) family is easy and we are close. I have the greatest group of friends who have all known me for years (some since primary school so almost 24 years). The "ex" family have known me since 2001 and I can honestly say that they don't know me better than the day we met. And it is sad because they will be in my life forever since they are the grandparents of my kids. A border they sometimes forget but that will be a post for another day..
After this long intro.. I come to my bad decision.
The life policy on the dad of my kids is theirs. The money is in their account. And while I struggle to pay bills and make ends meet (and start our own life again), they now hold our future in their hands.
This weekend they explained their plans in detail (some of this I don't trust, as it sounds wrong even with my limited legal and finance knowledge). They explained how they can not move more than a small amount once a year and to benefit everyone they don't want to invest and move it.
Honestly. It is not about the money for me. They can keep however much they believe they need or want. But my situation I am in right now mean that I do (as much as I hate it) need a hand up. Just that moment to breathe and start again. But I want it on my terms. And there in lies the problem. They want it on their terms. I want my own life and to get the life me & my 3 had before back. And they can't wait to tell me how they hated the townhouse (that I loved) that I stayed in before. A steep entry into the estate is apparently enough to make them hate the estate.
Their offer. A trust in their whole family's name (their side plus my kids as one of many beneficaries if something should happen to them). That is fine. Their offer. A house that the trust keeps where we can stay in for how ever long. Seems fair. I bet everyone will be yelling take it. My problem. I want the life I was building for us back. I want to do it my way as I am capable and have done it. I see what being in debted to them did to our relationship and their son. I don't want that ever. I can make the best life for us. Even if it means slowly.
I am just recovering from all debt being paid off (by me). Moving. And losing my own car in a crash. It just feels like if I say yes, they are going to want more and more input into our lives. And as a adult and a mom who have never once done something to make someone not believe me, I am not sure that I want this life they offer. I am perfectly content to rent again for a while until my life settles. It gives me security in a strange way. I pay for it myself. I want to live in a estate where I feel safe.
My own plans involve moving back into a townhouse similar to the one I had the last few years. The trust can help with their school fees as I lost the contribution their dad made. I want to finish my degree and start a new course to extend my skills. This will help me get a better job. A stable job for long term security. I want my own car again. My Mazda that was written off last year was never replaced (and I was not even told what happened). I am lucky enough to have a loan car.
I'll give it a few hours. Do some research. Sleep on it. And think about it again. Don't worry.. I won't type long posts about it again ;) Sometimes writing something helps.
Especially since I can read it back later.
I don't want to make a decision on a bad day and then regret it.
But this is day .. and I still feel sure.
Monday 25 February 2013
Wearing slippers on a Monday..
One of my favourite lines (from a comedy) is from Anchorman. I actually use this line more than I care to admit..
"That escalated quickly..".
And that is where I am in my life now.
I won't go into all the detail again as even I get tired of hearing it. Scroll down or click on any post starting with something to do with "life", "crash" or "30". I was happily cruising along in life, when 3 things happened. Each one on its own would have just been sad, or an inconvenience. A bump. But I was prepared for one at a time. Add the three together and you have a what I like to call (in South African terms) "my struggle". Now I insert a very appropriate picture I found on the Internet.
Trust your struggle. I can say that I am to the best of my ability. Truth: I am over it. I've given it 6 months plus change and remain patient. But I now want to move on. Why am I sad and over it? It feels like everything I need to move on with my life is within reach. And yet the people who can give me that hand up (not hand out) is just... In short: Not my kind of people. And the other side is all tied up in legal still.
I want my life back. My own home back. I need my own space back to make the home that my three deserve. We had that. Taking nothing away from my parents (where we stay until all this mess is sorted), but being 30 and back at home is never the easiest thing to do. Especially since I share my life with three incredible girls.
I am even tired of this being my life story. I can paint it up and put a positive spin on it, which is what I do. But I just want me back. New chapter me. Happy ending me. Happy ending us.
Hate to start a week of on this note. Maybe I should have had that second cup of coffee!
I will have to work on my trusting..
"That escalated quickly..".
And that is where I am in my life now.
I won't go into all the detail again as even I get tired of hearing it. Scroll down or click on any post starting with something to do with "life", "crash" or "30". I was happily cruising along in life, when 3 things happened. Each one on its own would have just been sad, or an inconvenience. A bump. But I was prepared for one at a time. Add the three together and you have a what I like to call (in South African terms) "my struggle". Now I insert a very appropriate picture I found on the Internet.
Trust your struggle. I can say that I am to the best of my ability. Truth: I am over it. I've given it 6 months plus change and remain patient. But I now want to move on. Why am I sad and over it? It feels like everything I need to move on with my life is within reach. And yet the people who can give me that hand up (not hand out) is just... In short: Not my kind of people. And the other side is all tied up in legal still.
I want my life back. My own home back. I need my own space back to make the home that my three deserve. We had that. Taking nothing away from my parents (where we stay until all this mess is sorted), but being 30 and back at home is never the easiest thing to do. Especially since I share my life with three incredible girls.
I am even tired of this being my life story. I can paint it up and put a positive spin on it, which is what I do. But I just want me back. New chapter me. Happy ending me. Happy ending us.
Hate to start a week of on this note. Maybe I should have had that second cup of coffee!
I will have to work on my trusting..
Sunday 24 February 2013
Some random loves since time is tight.. A Sunday post
Monday 18 February 2013
In between love and the other days.
I love Valentines. As long as you keep red roses away from me, I know you know me.
My last few Valentines (Ok more than a few.. maybe the last 6 years) I have not had a traditional Valentines. But what I get now is love and letters from my 3. And that means the world to me.
Rose farm trip.
And Valentines love.
My last few Valentines (Ok more than a few.. maybe the last 6 years) I have not had a traditional Valentines. But what I get now is love and letters from my 3. And that means the world to me.
Rose farm trip.
Catch my life on a screen near you!
I love the movie "A lot like love". And caught a few minutes earlier today. How is this for my life in the movies.. And I know how he feels. I also agree with the brother, so I do try to live like that. Some days are easy, some moments are hard. But I love every day.
I also had a "plan". Still do. At the moment my plan is just waiting for me to catch up again. I had to walk a bit.. but I plan to be (up and) running again within the next 2 months.
Ok.. I am already 30 and not almost.. but still! Stupid year for my life to go all crazy. :)
Ah yes. Guess I can say it a million ways (between projects etc), but truth is..
This is something I want changed ASAP. I need my space again. We need our own routines. They (my 3) deserve our own life again.
My life is going on. And I was never knocked off my feet. But for a while there 2012 reminded me of hard knock life.
Soundtrack:
Ben Howard - Keep your head up. (plus the whole album).
The Lumineers - Ho Hey. (plus the whole album).
Blue October. Still on my most played list.
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